First Sunday of Lent 2012

And at once the Spirit drove Jesus into the desert and remained there for 40 days, and was put to the test by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and the angels looked after him. After John had been arrested, Jesus went into Galilee.

There He proclaimed the gospel from God saying, "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is close at hand. Repent, and believe the gospel."

-Mark 1: 12-15-

This season of Lent for me is a different experience as I am in another country. Dubai is an open city but is Muslin by culture. With the culture and practices that this beautiful city has, the Catholic Church is also practicing the same rituals and celebrations as with the other countries. Lent is celebrated and is being observed the same way that it was in my country.

During this first Sunday of Lent, I realized many things. God has given me everything that I need and yet I am not looking at them as I am blessed. He has provided me with the needs. He has given me my extra wants. I am blessed but I didn't notice it.

Living away from my mom is a hard adjustment for me. To be honest, I am still adjusting on not being able to see her as I wake up; hearing her laugh; hearing her nagging when I would come home drunk; and talking to her about my dreams and her dreams for us as well. She is my strength and inspiration. At this time with technology, I am very blessed to have internet and Skype with me. We are far from each other but I can still see her through these means. Facebook is there for us to update each other also. This is a blessing that God has given me. A blessing that I over-looked as sadness blankets me when I am alone. It makes me cry just thinking about how I miss her but I know that the Lord is with me. He is with me always and I am very blessed with that.

This week, I will do my best to share this feeling of being blessed. The feeling that is secure; a feeling that makes one safe and calm. The Lord is with us and He will always be with us. He has promised not to abandon us and He has been there.

This week, I will also do my best to call to Him when sadness creeps behind me. I will continue to pray and pray even more for all of us who are feeling low, lonely and sad. I will acknowledge that He is with us in whatever endeavor we take. I will always remind myself to be faithful to Him. Ever new day is a gift of life and this should remind us that our faith is all he asks from us. A simple act and value to bring with us all our lives.

My Prayer

"Oh Lord Jesus. You always have been there for us yet we forget to look at you when we are struggling. Remind us that You will always be with us in whatever we do and in whtever challenge we will face. Lord, give us the faith that would be so strong that it would radiate from within us. Let this faith inspire others so as they would know that You are always there. May we continue to be channels of peace, love, hope and faith. Guide us Lord as the Lenten season would continue. Amen."

OFW DIARIES

When i heard that i was to leave for Dubai, two things came to my mind: to work and to come home.

My sister has been working here for almost 2 years now and my family thinks that it is best that i would follow her and help my family. Helping my family was never an issue for me. From the day i finished school up to my last employment in the Philippines, all i had in my mind was to provide for my family and make them happy. My travel to Dubai was a chance. Not a thing was certain; not a job.

That was the risk I had to take. I have heard stories of both victory and failure. All of them inspired me but at the same time sacred me. It's not all about the good life here. Of course you can enjoy your life to the fullest here but being with the family that you love is a different thing. You see things that you, surely feel would amaze your family. But at the end of the day, you are still alone in your bed, looking at the monitor and just reading the comments your friends and family have made.

Working overseas is a tough decision to make and many have dared to do this job. It's not about the work and it's not even about the salary. The toughest thing one has to face is loneliness. And I can say that no one was ever safe from feeling it.

When i got here, i never thought about it. I was with my sister and we were enjoying whatever this place has to offer. I looked for a job and got signed in. It was very fast. Problems would come up but they seemed to be overnight creepers.

Suddenly, loneliness found its way to me. It was very hard dealing with it. You would suddenly feel your heart beat faster and faster that you don't understand why you are nervous. Crying makes you feel better but you don't know why you are crying in the first place.

You can talk about it to someone and the unknown pain quiets down. I thought it was over and I can live the normal life again. But then, it creep-ed out from the dark and was with me for days. I wasn't able to sleep, didn't have much appetite and I was not able to function well. I thought that I was going crazy. I was nervous all the time but I didn't know what I was nervous of.

Maybe it was because of work or maybe it was because of the questions I have in my mind. I didn't know and I was not sure.

A friend of mine was chatting with me when she reminded me about Prayer. The mere word relaxed me. Then I thought about the things I used to do before going here. I was not that religious but my family made it a point that we would attend to important church events.

Before I left, another friend gave me a rosary. It was a pocket rosary made of black plastic diamonds and a metal chain. It was a very nice gift. I took it out from my bag and decided to pray the Rosary with intentions for each decade and each mystery. It helped me to overcome the fear and the loneliness. It became my routine. The Rosary was my guide now.

I decided to attend mass in a nearby church. Just before I left the church, I saw a table outside selling religious things. I bought one and it was a very good item: God's Word 2012. A book and a guide of the daily Word for this year. It was a very special moment for me.

Prayer is a very simple thing to do and it is very strong.

Every time, I offer each mystery to one of my weakness. The Lord is just watching and waiting for us to call on Him. Let us be reminded that in whatever we do, His blessing is always greater than anyone else's.

Living in Dubai was something that I never imagines to be realized but God was so good to give it to me. Now, all i can give back are the prayers to him of thanks, guidance and love.

Thank you Lord!

Light in the Dark (re-posted from my FB page)

Her eyes were sparkling as she came close to me that day. She had on her face the smile that once took my breath away. The same smile that i look forward every time we went out on a date.

It was a plain Friday night. We decided to go out. We planned to meet in a bookstore at a mall. I was earlier than the time, as usual.

Wearing my stripe blue and black shirt and jeans. I had my hair with wax, she said I look good with my hair waxed. Maybe she was right, my mom thinks so too.

I was in the bookstore at the self-learn isle. I picked out an interesting book off the shelf then started to scan the pages and read it. "101 ways to spoil your Wife" was the book's title. Although we were not married, it seems as if we actually were. I mean, for the five years in the relationship, I say we have been through sometime. I was smiling while reading it. It was very educational and it gave me a lot of ideas to show my love for her. It made me look back on the time when we first met.

It was in college. I was a geek, she was the campus crush. We were from different departments, me from the College of Commerce and her form the College of Pharmacy. Two very different worlds, destined to complete each others lives. I didn't know how Cupid found a way for both of us to meet. But one thing is sure, I knew I loved her.


Turning one page after the other, I forgot about the time. It was pass fifteen minutes from our date, still no sign of her. I checked my phone but no text message reached me. I didn't mind it because she was always late.


It made me recall the date we had where she was two hours late. She said she was stuck in traffic. So there i was, stuck in a table for two in a restaurant. But when she came in through the doors, my heart stopped and she blew me away. Her presence holds me still and her smile, that particular smile of hers blew me off my feet. she was everything to me. And I don't care if I would be waiting for one hundred years as long as it's her I'm waiting for.

Then my phone rang.


I picked it out from my pocket to answer it.

It was her.

But her voice was breaking. It got me worried why she sounded like that.She was crying and breaking down.

The more I got worried.

She said she had to commute because her car was broken. I offered to pick her up but she declined. She says it's alright for her to commute. I didn't push it. She took the subway from work to the mall.

Then I knew what was wrong.

She said she avoids the subway because she is scared of the dark. She had a traumatic experience before.

I asked her to calm down and breathe slowly. She began to relax. She said that she is closing her eyes now. And that all is noisy. The train stopped and the lights went blinking on and off. then she again began to breakdown. I told her to relax and convinced her to think of happy thoughts. I told her that I loved her and nothing will happen to her. And that there is no reason to get scared because I'm here. That I will never let anything bad happen to her.

"I will be there.."

Then she calmed down. We spoke on the phone until the trip was over. I went out of the mall running to my car to pick her up from the station. I ran pass the restaurant where we had our first date. First formal date, that is.

I remembered that I saved my weekly allowance for that date. And she was as beautiful as the roses that i gave her that night. Wearing a blue dress and the smile that she flashes like diamonds. Blue roses, these were her favorite flowers. And I gave her a dozen blue roses. She was so happy that night. And during that night, we had our first kiss.

I smiled as I ran. I didn't know it but I was excited to pick her up from the station.

I ran across the road...

I heard her sob before but today was different, it was a hear breaking sob. She held my hand and never let go of it. Her hands were warm and soft. She held it as if I don't have t go somewhere but beside her. It made my heart beat faster as the sobbing continues.

It was during our second year anniversary when she gave me the longest and the sweetest gift. She promised that she will hold my hand for the whole time that we would be together. And yes, she did it. she held it for the whole time. It was her gift. And when i think about i, it makes me smile. She said that she had fun holding my hand for the whole day. And that she will never let go.

She would never let go.

Today was something like that day. Only it lasted for about three days. I was in the hospital for two months. In a coma for five days and in bed for seven weeks. She wasn't beside me when the doctor broke the news.

I had an accident. I was hit by a car and crashed on the concrete pavement. It was complicated to understand with the technical medical language. But the doctor made a strong conclusion. I may never be able to see again. I was silent after that. I didn't know how to respond.


I was nothing.

Then I smiled. It was ironic for me to be in the place where my love dreads, the dark. I wasn't scared. But I was devastated. I could never see the smile that she has, the blue dress that embraces her physique and the happiness painted on her face while holding my hand. It made me cry. It made me sob. It crushed me. I was blind.

...



It's been four years in the dark for me. But I'm not missing anything. I wasn't alone. She did not let go. She was there. and I was there for her. And we already tied up the knot. We would be a family in six weeks. And we are happy.



I can see that she is happy. A kiss sealed this with sense. Her eyes were still sparkling as she came to me everyday. She has on her face the smile that always take my breath away. The same smile that i look forward every time I say "I love you".

The Letter (re-posted from my FB page)

six years of happy marriage.
six years of immesureable happiness and contentment.

everyday, i had to wake up beside the woman i love and get to be the first one to say "i love you" for the day. two thousand one hundred ninety days of constant kissess, hugs and never ending "i love yous". fifty two thousand five hundred sixty hours of wearing the golden ring and smiling as i remember my wedding day.

our wedding day.

we were envied by many because of what the two of us had. it was more than what i expected. more than what i prayed for. we completed each other. we made each other happy. we were husband and wife. six dinners by the sea and under the moonlight. six nights of special caressess and boundless love for each other.six special nights of smiles and laughter.

i could still remember the night i asked her hand in marriage. it was our third year anniversary as girlfriend and boyfriend. i knew that "that" night was the night to seal it. the night she wanted and waited for in her life: my proposal. her saying "yes!" to my question "will you marry me?".

she was working in a callcenter for five years as a supervisor. and i was a consultant on management and finance of a certain bank. we have nice jobs and bright tommorows. but i had to ask her if she would be willing to share these tommorows with me. and i had to get a lot of help from certain people we both know.

she was on duty that night. we had to celebrate our anniversary a week after the date. but that didn't stop me in sticking with my plan. i had to convince the site director, her team mates, the security and the rest of the "on-duty" team to conive wih me. they were more than happy and excited to help me with the proposal. the company's site director even offered the employees' lounging room for my use. the security made a notice that the lounging room was off limits due to some electrical problems and floor tile renovations. the agents had to do anything to keep her busy and preoccupied.

then everything was ready.

her site director called her for a short meeting. she made fake issues that needed to be adressed. she then told her to check the lounging room for additional furniture and appliance. a good employee was she, directly to the room she went.

while waiting for her to open the door,i was pacing back and fourth behind a certain wall. i was cold. maybe i was excited or probably nervous. i was really nervous. then i heard a knock. i turned the lights off and went to my spot.

she knocked again and slowly opened the door. she saw nothing but darkness. so she had to go inside to turn the lights on.

she didn't move as the lights went on. her face was painted with surprize and amuzement. there were no flowers nor romantic music.instead,i scattered pictures on the floor. our pictures. thousands of pictures and sweet notes she has given me for the past three years. then on one corner of the room was a manequin wearing a vera wang gown. i placed a note on top saying "it would be perfect if you were wearing this on our wedding day." tears were slowly pooling in her eyes as she moved closer to the manequin. i walked out from being hidden behind the wall with a bouquet of white and yellow lilies. she smiled, blushed and gave me a kiss as i handed her the flowers. she hugged me tightly and tears fell on my shoulders. she said that she couldn't be more happier that night.

i stepped back, knelt down and took a small box ou of my pocket. her eyes were round with surprize and she was blushing even more. i opened the box and showed her a ring. before i could say anything, we could hear howling and cheering from the other side of the room. i forgot about the security camera inside the room. they were watching my proposal from a monitor in the next room.

the i started my lines,

"you reminded me of how wonderful life is. and it was more than a blessing to be alive for someone. you have saved me from turning into monster boss. you have inspired me to be a better brother and the best son. you have brought out the best in me and was still there at my worst times. you made me smile always with your youthful and sparky character. you have accepted me for being human. and loved me entirely as your boyfriend".

"i want to wake up in the morning with you beside me everyday. i want to have and grow my children with you as thier mother. i want to grow old with you and would surely die without you...

natesha, will you marry me?".

silence was what i felt for five seconds. it was the longest five seconds of my life.

she knelt down, hugged me, crying with joy as she said "yes! i will marry you!". her response was like music to my ears. it was euphoric, elating. i was floating. honesly, i was really floating.

the cheering and howling went louder and coser the the door opened. her team mates were in tears as they walked inside the room as well as her site director. i felt love and acceptance fro the group. it gave me more spirit to be the best husband for her.

remembering that night always puts a smile on my face. from that time on, it was a whirlwind. everything went through so fast. the wedding was perfect, we shared our vows and we were a happy couple. for the past six years, happiness embraced the both of us.most of the time, i alway find myself smiling as i look back. i just couldn't believe the years of being together. the years of chezzy moments and life-changing encounters. the happy six years.

a cold drop of tear rolled from my cheek and woke myself sitting on a chair with a letter on my hand. it was already midnight and the television set was still on.

i crouched down and the letter dropped on the floor. i was consumed by sadness and questions. asking for someone to save me from such a miserable feeling. i wanted to shout but not a sound could go out of my mouth. i can hardly move and felt as if i was ansthesized to be still and numb.

the letter opened on the floor saying,

"dear ryan,

i always dreamed to be a princess since i was a little. and you have fulfilled my wish for a prince to wed me and live happily ever after. you have carved me into a strong and happy woman. you have lived your life with me and i am but happy for being part of you. you have been a courageous prince who would rescue me from a dragon. you have given me real jewels and a castle where both of us can live happily. you have saved me from eternal sleep with a kiss. i love you.

but somehow, i woke up and realized that im not a child anymore. i am lost. and i need to find myself before i could kiss you again.im sorry if it will cause you pain.

i love you.

i am sorry.

-natesha"

i forgot that i wasn't a good drinker. and i found myself drenched with my own doing from being drunk in our living room.

i was numb.
i was cold.
i was alone.

the unexpected monster took my happy ending from my hand.

i cried.

i was alone.
broken.
keeping it inside.

Listen (re-posted from my FB page)

i was just about to sleep when my phone rang. of course, i had the choice to answer it or not. but when i looked at it, it was jenny, my best friend. i sit up on my bed and answered it. i said my hello and all i heard was sobbing. it got me worried and felt weird that this was the answer i got from saying my hello on the phone.

then she said hello and the sobbing cried. I waited for her to say the first words. she knew that i will always be listening.

"you were right. he was seeing someone else.", she said.

it was kind of late for us to talk on the phone but i felt alright that i was talking to her. she was someone i can talk to anytime of the day and i was the same for her. we were friends for a 9 years. she has seen me fall and i have seen her got hurt. but the thing is, we have been there for each other.

the day that she told that she likes this guy was really weird. i prayed that i would breathe well so to give her a free hand. she was in love- but not with me. it hurts. (i think!) and i wasn't happy at all. yet she still makes me smile when i see her.

two or three years ago, i met an accident. my car crashed and i was driving from school. ending up in the hospital for 6 days. it was a rush of everything. the only thing i can't forget was her crying in front of me while nagging at me of how careless i was. "do you want to leave me alone?!" were the words that made me realize that i had to live for someone more than my family would know and more than my heart would feel.

I had to undergo surgery since i broke my leg. still she was there nagging beside me and helping me one step at a time in rehab. she was my half. nurses would ask of where she was if she wasn't assisting me. i would often see them smiling behind her as she nags about me being lazy and a slob for not exercising. she motivated me to stand up and do more rehab.

six months later, she found someone that made her feel special. someone who wasn't careless and lazy. i left my heart open to wait for her. and i knew she was happy with him. she pictures it as special and one of a kind. i see it the same way.

i came back to school and had some friends in college. i was the quiet one in the group who had the charm of making girls smile. they said it was my gift. i didn't mind it. i wasn't handsome (i thought). i was just me. lazy, careless and waiting. i didn't realize that i was broken for a long time. i would still think of her. we are still friends. she still nags at me.

a year later, she seemed to avoid me. i didn't know why. my friends heard something that her boyfriend was seeing someone else. i didn't believe them. still i was waiting.

i was hanging out in the mall when i saw her boyfriend with another girl. holding hands, sweet, smiling-like they were more than together forever. i was cold, stunned and speechless. then i decided to keep it to myself. it made me uneasy to think that i was keeping something in order for her not to get hurt. i knew i was still waiting but i had to be the quiet guy. i don't want her to get hurt again just because of me.

it was a tough day at school and i decided not to go online or play games. i was getting ready to go to bed after making my thesis draft and doing more research for school. i haven't heard from her in days and nagging was something i missed. it made me smile when i remembered the nagging.

i fixed my bed and prepared the alarm clock to ring at 4:00am even though its 1:43am.

i was just about to sleep when my phone rang. of course, i had the choice to answer it or not. but when i looked at it, it was jenny, my best friend. i sit up on my bed and answered it. i said my hello and all i heard was sobbing. it got me worried and felt weird that this was the answer i got from saying my hello on the phone.

then she said hello and the sobbing cried. I waited for her to say the first words. she knew that i will always be listening.

"you were right. he was seeing someone.", she said.

then i said my words through a song i heard over the net. it was weird to be singing over the phone to someone who was hurt and sad. but i knew that it would make her feel better and at the same time would free me from what i really feel. the lines go:

"And I know I've always just been your friend, But if you look my way, I'll make sure you'll never hurt again.

Do you know I exist, just to promise you this, Endlessly to be true to you, And if you answer my prayer, I cross my heart and I'd swear Endlessly to be true to you,

And if you'd only see,How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly."

Alone (re-posted from my FB page)

“So, this is it then? I mean, there’s no turning back at this right? ”, he asked.

“Yes”, I answered.

“Well, it’s gonna be hard for the both of us but I will try my best to absorb it. Will you be all right?”

I nodded.

“I hope so.”

These were the words that ended our relationship. It wasn’t just me or him. It was decided by both. It was a decision that made me realize one thing: we were not anymore happy with each other. It was a relationship built on mutual decisions and I couldn’t believe that it ended the same way.

All relationships have bad times but I never thought that we would end it as painfully as this. No tears but just words during the break-up. I have seen sad endings in movies but I never imagined mine to be this tragic. Nobody died but it seemed to me that the end was like death to the both of us. It was the end. We were not together anymore.

I told him that I will be alright after the break-up. I tried my best but everything I thought about was what we had before. All the smiles, hugs, feeling of happiness and the kisses that sealed them all; they killed me like how each knife would pierce an apple. It was the pain that I never imagined to suffer at the end of all things. I cried but I never felt better with each tear that fell from my eyes. The sadness absorbed me as a whole and I was in mourning with what I lost: a relationship that I thought would last forever in the arms of each other.

As I wake up each morning, I would check my mobile phone. I would never say it but I would always hope that he would send me a message to check if I’m ok; if I was doing fine after what had happen. I would remember the days that my inbox would be filled by messages from him and how I would save them to make me smile as I read along the messages late at night.

I would anticipate each call would be from him to talk to me and convince me to reconsider the decision that I made about the break-up. How I reacted with each ring my mobile phone gives as the call goes on. The song that made me excited as the call progresses and how I would answer each call with a smile: a sweet smile that was real and true. It was from love and I couldn’t believe that all of these were gone with just one nod I made.

Nothing – this is what I see every morning as I check my mobile phone. It made me cry but not as painful as before. Each morning made me realize that the days of sweet smiles were gone. I was alone and the relationship was over. It was a decision made by the both of us.

I continue to live my life was what my friends would tell me. I partied, drank and went out. But as the noise and the crowd disappeared, the sadness consumes me secretly. I want to cry but I just can’t. My tears ran dry and I couldn’t cry anymore. It was something that I knew would just hurt me more. The pain I get from one nod was something I dreaded from the day I made the decision. It really was painful.

School was the same for me and I never heard from him again. Then I just got word that he was dating someone already. I didn’t give a reaction because it has been months that I haven’t heard news about him. I never imagined that the pain drilled into me secretly and I was collapsing from the inside. I wanted to scream but I never could. Each smile that I would imagine from him before was for another girl now. How the pain doubled, tripled even after what I have heard and imagined. I was in pain and nobody knew.

I pretended to be cool; to be ok; to act as if I have moved on from the relationship I was in before. Like what I said, I pretended. It was a huge stage play for me to pretend that everything was ok for me. That I smiled the sweet smile I gave before and laughed as if I was never hurt from everything that happened. I pretended until I realized that I was only fooling myself. I cried again in silence but I never felt better.

I wished that I could turn back time or he would bump his head and come look for me to be with him again. It was all I hoped for but didn’t come.

Now this is what I would say to myself,

“Never mind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too! Don’t forget me, this I would beg. But I’ll remember what you said that sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”