Is this the end?

Ive always dreamt to have someone who is proud of me; who understands why i am like this; a person that brings the best in me and accepts me at my worst. These dreams will always be on the list of characters of someone who i want to spend my life with. Getting married is optional but having a life- partner with this understanding of me is essential. 

Getting to know you has been quite a ride. And in the process, i got to know myself - hardcore. 

I never expected myself to be secretive, to be insanely jealous and paraniod. I have a hard time trusting and in this relationship - it has taught me to hold on to what my heart beats for. Thats you. 

It has made me sick when you don’t reply or answer my calls. It brings all the posibilities of you cheating in front of my eyes and i somehow - blurr out and throw up. Remember when i threw up for the whole day? It made me feel like im an escape. An option. Sleepless nights and kkendless denials resulted from these doubts. 

When we talked about how I felt, i mentioned to you that i know the “market” and can easily connect the dots. Some cues are blurry but somehow relate to each other. The picture may not be clear but the feelings were real. Im jealous. Im clueless. 

I dont know you entirely. And this breaks my heart because i make myself doubt if what i feel is right when it comes to you. 

You have people in your life that somehow i think i would never get to know. People who are on the other side of your life. People that make you smile; laugh and cry. I understand the secrets but i dont get the darkness. I can be invisible but not blind. I feel i am being blind folded in a small closed box.

Everyday is a battle of holding on or letting go. But still i choose to hold on to what makes me happy - and thats you. This battle will never end but just so you know, you are worth fighting for. 

My world is different from your world. But somehow it makes me feel bad knowing that I can’t enter your world. It makes me question my existence in your life - in your real life. Im being shun in the shadows of a world that doesn’t welcome me - world that you live in and it hurts as you have become my world. 

I can’t force myself to be part of that world that’s why it’s a constant battle. Im telling you this as you ought to know. This battle will end but the shots have been fired. Thank God we didn’t talk about this in the other Starbucks as i can imagine myself crying while telling you this. 

Im not letting go but im telling you the grip is getting painful. Most of the time, its not what you say that hurts me. Its what you do that tips me off. And the silence, empty stares, dull hugs and cold kisses pushes me away from the beautiful picture that we started to paint.