Is this the end?

Ive always dreamt to have someone who is proud of me; who understands why i am like this; a person that brings the best in me and accepts me at my worst. These dreams will always be on the list of characters of someone who i want to spend my life with. Getting married is optional but having a life- partner with this understanding of me is essential. 

Getting to know you has been quite a ride. And in the process, i got to know myself - hardcore. 

I never expected myself to be secretive, to be insanely jealous and paraniod. I have a hard time trusting and in this relationship - it has taught me to hold on to what my heart beats for. Thats you. 

It has made me sick when you don’t reply or answer my calls. It brings all the posibilities of you cheating in front of my eyes and i somehow - blurr out and throw up. Remember when i threw up for the whole day? It made me feel like im an escape. An option. Sleepless nights and kkendless denials resulted from these doubts. 

When we talked about how I felt, i mentioned to you that i know the “market” and can easily connect the dots. Some cues are blurry but somehow relate to each other. The picture may not be clear but the feelings were real. Im jealous. Im clueless. 

I dont know you entirely. And this breaks my heart because i make myself doubt if what i feel is right when it comes to you. 

You have people in your life that somehow i think i would never get to know. People who are on the other side of your life. People that make you smile; laugh and cry. I understand the secrets but i dont get the darkness. I can be invisible but not blind. I feel i am being blind folded in a small closed box.

Everyday is a battle of holding on or letting go. But still i choose to hold on to what makes me happy - and thats you. This battle will never end but just so you know, you are worth fighting for. 

My world is different from your world. But somehow it makes me feel bad knowing that I can’t enter your world. It makes me question my existence in your life - in your real life. Im being shun in the shadows of a world that doesn’t welcome me - world that you live in and it hurts as you have become my world. 

I can’t force myself to be part of that world that’s why it’s a constant battle. Im telling you this as you ought to know. This battle will end but the shots have been fired. Thank God we didn’t talk about this in the other Starbucks as i can imagine myself crying while telling you this. 

Im not letting go but im telling you the grip is getting painful. Most of the time, its not what you say that hurts me. Its what you do that tips me off. And the silence, empty stares, dull hugs and cold kisses pushes me away from the beautiful picture that we started to paint. 

Ghost

Dating has been a world for me that i never conquered. I have been rejected, rejected and rejected to a number that I cannot even remember counting to. Since 2010, I have never been in a relationship nor have dated someone that i could say that it could lead to something - but this doesn't mean that I do not see what happens in one. 

In my world, being in a relationship raises eyebrows. One can be judged and even be questioned for choices that you have to make. It will never be an easy world but I suppose that being in a strong partnership - things will be lighter than the usual. 

Understanding is key - not just to one self but of course - each other. This goes a long way but of course - has a limit. 

Not all things can be freed by understanding. Too much of it causes a stir; creates questions and probably will start a problem. 

In this world (and in this region of the world), being invisible about the relationship is a key element. One has to be stealth-like to carry a relationship being questioned by religion, morality and the norm. 

But - does being invisible to your significant other's world count?

  

Dubai Life - Living alone and the quiet battle

Living alone – the real challenge.

Coming to Dubai, I left the Philippines as a single guy. Wasn’t dating anyone or had any lasting relationship. Many things were written on my list and having a relationship wasn’t on it. I had my reasons but at some point, the dreaming became lonely. I once posted lyrics of a certain song on my Facebook and until now, its stuck with me.

Since Dubai is a bowl of cultures and nationalities, meeting people was easy. Social Media, friends of friends or even just by going to the bar you would be able to meet someone from the same country or from another. But meeting with people who will be there is difficult.

I am one of the few lucky ones to have family here abroad. People who will not judge you nor ask much of you. People who know me and people who will always be there for me. Family.

Having family though is like owning a double-edged sword, playing with in on air pretending to have a fight. Like a kid playing with his light saber in the playground. But like laser it cuts both ways. And somehow, it hurts me as well.

Independence has been something that I had since before. But there are limits and these conditions – family, friends, work – changes everything.  Having things to reconsider and weigh. Thinking a hundred times before doing an actual decision. It reached to a point where holding on was the only choice to do. Quietly holding on to the dream even if pain has been unreasonable. Pain that is unexplainable but there. Pain that lurks in the corner of being alone. Pain that shows itself when one is at its weakest.

Coming to Dubai I have never thought about fighting a quiet battle. But alas, I have conquered it. It was not easy but I have emerged victorious and calm. All from independence, family, living alone and Dubai.

Dubai Life as I Lived It - Friends

I know I am not that friendly but I know how to keep people in my life. I guess I have been taught to know who I want to be friends with and who to get rid of.

People come and go of course but somehow, these people leave a mark in your life. Both marks could either be good or bad – but still a mark.

I have had good friends – people that I treated as family since living abroad is not that easy. People that somehow knew me and saw through me at least in a manner that they know me.  But have you noticed I used the “have had” in the beginning? Yes, we do no connect anymore. They knew me and saw right through me like

I met families and couples that lived here for a good time. Families that have dreams and are slowly creating a little world in a land that’s thousands of miles away from home.  People that I have become familiar with and somehow treated me like family and not a stranger. Working folk that I have considered to be friends.

Friends are important to be a support system and shock absorber while living abroad. Home-sickness, work-stress and all kinds of pressures can get into you and these people.

How can one get friends? I don’t know. Actually, I know a good number of people that can somehow be considered a good circle or connections. But of course, not all of them can be considered as a friend. What does it take to be considered a friend while living and working abroad?

Do you have to have the same salary bracket? Does it follow to have the same interests? Is daily quality time an important aspect to be considered a “Best Friend”? Or just a simple connection is all it takes to be friends while hustling this amazing city?

They say that you would know who the real friend is when that person is there for you in your darkest, lowest moment in life. But does it have to reach to that point to know that this person is a friend?

Since coming to Dubai, I have had a good number of friendships that faded. Connections I have had with people that somehow grew far apart. Still, the respect is there but of course – communicating through social media. Friendship while being an expat is hard but it makes the experience worth while.