Three phrases for my mom.

I already made a blog last year about one of the greatest woman in my life, my Mama. It was more of a story of how things go for the both of us given that I was her only son and the middle child (and yes, the "middle child thing" applies for me). 

One year has passed and at some point I have lost the felling of messaging her on a daily basis. There is no problem on how I can contact her because internet is always there (and take note: I would die if the internet was gone). The only bump is that, I don't want to think about it that much. I guess messaging her everyday would lead me to missing her more and more. It's not that I don't like missing her (because I REALLY MISS HER), it's just taking a lot of space in my mind and I'm sure she gets what I mean. 

A few weeks ago, I decided to message her on a random day. I felt like saying something sweet to her that time. She was online on Facebook and sent her a simple short message:

"Hello mama! I miss you! :)"

After a few seconds she replied with this message:

"I also miss you so much! Not just just you but also your sister!"

Then, I replied with:

"JOKE! :P "

And the conversation turned into laughter.

Little did I know that those giggles in our chat script hid the tears she shed for missing both of us so much. While we were chatting, she confessed that she was laughing with tears for missing us and it made me all mushy inside. I even posted it as a status on Facebook and of course, my friends and family who knew what my mom and I have in a mom-son relationship liked it.

I don't want to make this long because for sure, she will be so bored reading this (I'm only joking Mama!). 

So here goes the three phrases for My Mama.

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"I'm sorry"

You said that while I was a child, never had a huge problem with me. I was obedient and basically just follows what you tell me to do(I was a robot I guess). 

Growing up, I changed and I am sure that I have brought you disappointments and heartaches. I know that my reasoning have hurt you a lot of times and I am very sorry for all those things I have done and words I have said to hurt you. I also want you to know that every time you cry in front of me for the things I did, it makes me an insomniac. I can't sleep thinking that I made you cry (I also hope that you will not use this to always make me give in to your request - LOL).

At the moment Mama, there are many things that I really want to tell you and I want to say sorry for not talking to you about it. I guess I just want to have time for myself here in Dubai and spend it with Ate Joyce.

Mama, please forgive me for everything that I have done that made you cry. I am sorry. 

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"Thank you"

I have said in my previous blog that you have done and sacrificed a lot of things for us. You have made us feel that everything was okey even if it wasn't and showed us how to be resilient in times of trouble. You have made us into God-fearing and Law abiding citizens with your actions and people see this in us. You have created a person in us that is strong and mushy all at the same time. You have turned us into the perfect chocolate chip-oatmeal cookies! Crunchy in the outside, moist in the inside! 

Thank you for making us realize what blessings we have and what we can do to share it with everyone. You may not be verbally supportive of the things I did but I'm sure that inside, you are always making a silent prayer for me.

For all the things you taught us, showed us, made us feel, sacrificed, gave us, cooked for us, loving us, taking care of us, and giving life to the three of us - I am very thankful. These words are merely understatements of how thankful I am for having you as my Mama and I am sure that these things will continue as I live in this world. 

Thank you very much.

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"I love you"

With all the challenges, short-comings and happy moments we have been through, I am sure that the last phrase won't be enough to seal all this. Given a chance to be there just for this day and spend it with you while watching TV in our living room, I would grab it for anything in the world. 

Mama, the distance between us made me realize that I am strong and weak all at the same time. But your love for me made me grounded and secured me that all the things I have done was because of the values you taught me. 

I remember back in college when I was about to have my In-house review. I sent you a text message saying that we were already on the way to the retreat house and were passing through our area. In the text, I said "I love you" just to make it sweet. but you replied with "Okey! Take care!"

I guess I told you that I was so pissed off that you didn't say "I love you" back. I even replied asking if you read the "I love you" part of the message and made sure that I was not your "barkada" but your SON. Every time I share this with my friends, they laugh and imagine how you would smile and smirk at the "boo-boo" you made in sending your reply. just for the record, you replied like this: "Ahw! - hehe. love you too!" 

Mama, I hope you know how much I love you. Not just me but also Ate Joyce and Carmie. We would do everything and anything in our capacity just to make sure you have that warm smile in your face always and laugh your heart out in our crazy moments. Like I said, these words are not enough to tell you how much I love you but I know inside, you feel all the love from me and Ate Joyce even with our distance. 

Happy Mother's Day Mama Alma! 

xoxo

#REPOST - Alone

Just today, a friend talked to me about the pains and hurts of being in a relationship - or the same sort. Like the same story, things did not end or go the way people would expect it to be. I scanned my posts and saw this post i made years before. Now, I decided to re-post it and share the same story that i made years back. 

In this life, we all have moments where we all become a different person from all the inspiration we get in being in a relationship. But then again, not all stories end up with a smile. It could be that a smile can be shown but only the the heart can tell what that smile would really mean. 

REPOST

“So, this is it then? I mean, there’s no turning back at this right? ”, he asked.

“Yes”, I answered.

“Well, it’s gonna be hard for the both of us but I will try my best to absorb it. Will you be all right?”

I nodded.

“I hope so.”

These were the words that ended our relationship. It wasn’t just me or him. It was decided by both. It was a decision that made me realize one thing: we were not anymore happy with each other. It was a relationship built on mutual decisions and I couldn’t believe that it ended the same way.

All relationships have bad times but I never thought that we would end it as painfully as this. No tears but just words during the break-up. I have seen sad endings in movies but I never imagined mine to be this tragic. Nobody died but it seemed to me that the end was like death to the both of us. It was the end. We were not together anymore.

I told him that I will be alright after the break-up. I tried my best but everything I thought about was what we had before. All the smiles, hugs, feeling of happiness and the kisses that sealed them all; they killed me like how each knife would pierce an apple. It was the pain that I never imagined to suffer at the end of all things. I cried but I never felt better with each tear that fell from my eyes. The sadness absorbed me as a whole and I was in mourning with what I lost: a relationship that I thought would last forever in the arms of each other.

As I wake up each morning, I would check my mobile phone. I would never say it but I would always hope that he would send me a message to check if I’m ok; if I was doing fine after what had happen. I would remember the days that my inbox would be filled by messages from him and how I would save them to make me smile as I read along the messages late at night.

I would anticipate each call would be from him to talk to me and convince me to reconsider the decision that I made about the break-up. How I reacted with each ring my mobile phone gives as the call goes on. The song that made me excited as the call progresses and how I would answer each call with a smile: a sweet smile that was real and true. It was from love and I couldn’t believe that all of these were gone with just one nod I made.

Nothing – this is what I see every morning as I check my mobile phone. It made me cry but not as painful as before. Each morning made me realize that the days of sweet smiles were gone. I was alone and the relationship was over. It was a decision made by the both of us.

I continue to live my life was what my friends would tell me. I partied, drank and went out. But as the noise and the crowd disappeared, the sadness consumes me secretly. I want to cry but I just can’t. My tears ran dry and I couldn’t cry anymore. It was something that I knew would just hurt me more. The pain I get from one nod was something I dreaded from the day I made the decision. It really was painful.

School was the same for me and I never heard from him again. Then I just got word that he was dating someone already. I didn’t give a reaction because it has been months that I haven’t heard news about him. I never imagined that the pain drilled into me secretly and I was collapsing from the inside. I wanted to scream but I never could. Each smile that I would imagine from him before was for another girl now. How the pain doubled, tripled even after what I have heard and imagined. I was in pain and nobody knew.

I pretended to be cool; to be ok; to act as if I have moved on from the relationship I was in before. Like what I said, I pretended. It was a huge stage play for me to pretend that everything was ok for me. That I smiled the sweet smile I gave before and laughed as if I was never hurt from everything that happened. I pretended until I realized that I was only fooling myself. I cried again in silence but I never felt better.

I wished that I could turn back time or he would bump his head and come look for me to be with him again. It was all I hoped for but didn’t come.

Now this is what I would say to myself,

“Never mind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too! Don’t forget me, this I would beg. But I’ll remember what you said that sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

all that sober feeling

We all want to find someone in our lives that would give us meaning and happiness. Someone that would be there in moments when no one was there and yet we would need someone to be by your side. That moment when everyone else is not there for you and only that person feels your need to be embraced with love and support. 

At some point of our lives, we have felt this kind of feeling when we thought this person was IT. 

"This person fits all that I am looking for in a life-partner."

We would be too modest that we prefer not to talk about it with our friends but deep inside all those epileptic moments charge like Romans on chariots. One would find yourself smiling in one corner of the room while you remember the last conversation you had with this person. You would look at yourself in the mirror and notice all the wonderful aura this feeling has given you. From the child-like sleep you have had for the past days to the glowing aura as exhibited by smiles and all that positive attitude. 

Everything seems to be lighter, brighter and happier with that person on your mind. 

Then suddenly, earthquakes come and would shake what you thought was perfect. All you had in your mind become blurry and uncertain. You suddenly become cold as you sit alone and think about the unfortunate future you thought to be. Everything became nothing. 

Nothing.

The picture becomes stained with lines and shapes that was't there. The earthquake shook the wall, made the picture fall on the ground and was pierced with an arrow that was not known. All of a sudden, you would feel pathetic and like garbage. You felt that what you thought was grand but then again, nothing escapes the wrath of an earthquake. Now you see yourself dusted with the ruble that collapsed from the unexpected tremor.

Helpless. 

Now, your friends would ask of what happen but then all the pride would fill you up in the inside and you would try your best to brush it off with teary eyes. Ironically, you are now hiding all the bad stuff. All the feelings of happiness you had inside became too dull and too dark that the color wheel won't have any definition of the shade it had. Everything was just ...just.... nothing. 

How would you feel?!

Do not expect?!

Have you talked to your heart before? 

Was it even helpful? 

It talked back right?

Now, all that sober feeling was just fucked up feelings of loneliness which in turn became expectations from people who you thought was different. Expectations of happiness that turned into sharp daggers that hurt you not from behind but right in your face. #FML

Malls of Dubai - BurJuman Center

 A few weeks ago, a friend of mine and i decided to make a colab-video of the different malls in  Dubai. We thought that it would be a great idea for people to see the malls in a visitor's point of view and of course, on what fun a Filipino can experience. 

After a couple of days of planning and drafting, we finally made the first mini-video tour of the first mall: BurJuman Center.

Located at the heart of old business center in Bur Dubai, BurJuman Center presents itself with extravagance and luxury. Opened in 1991, the mall has over 800,000 sq. ft. area for retail shopping. The said mall is being maintained and managed by Al Ghurair Group and is the first mall ever to bring the luxury brands in the middle east. 

Locating the Mall:

It is easy to locate the mall specially when you go aboard the Dubai Metro. The station itself is named BurJuman so it will not be much of a problem locating it. As soon as you get to the station, just go out of Exit 1 and you will find the BurJuman Center. 

Food:

BurJuman offers a good choice of restaurants and also provides a food court for those who want fast food. The mall also made a luxurious restaurant area for an incredible dining experience in the middle of water features and glass ceilings. 

For Filipino foodies, BurJuman Center also is home to Barrio Fiesta. They serve Filipino cuisine with an ambiance straight from the Philippines. The only difference is that since it is located in a Muslim cultured country, the restaurants don't serve and cook pork in the menu. 

Shopping:

Living up to its name, BurJuman provides shoppers with a luxurious shopping experience with famous brands all under one roof. From designer luxury bags to clothes, a fashionable shopper can complete a wardrobe from head to foot. 

Hermes, LV, Chanel, Dolce and Gabbana, Versace, Balmain, Cartier, Tods, Ralph Lauren, Rolex are just few of the many big names the mall can offer. 

Ambiance:

The mall is a center for luxury shopping. With this, the mall provides an elegant and calming ambiance from the hallways up to the washrooms. With intricate architecture and design, the mall lives up to its specialty: LUXURY.

Fearless Mall Rating: scoring - 1-10

Given that the mall is under renovation at the moment, I will give it a reasonable 6.

Just view the video below and don't forget to Subscribe! 

XOXO

-donitoh

VLOGGING - who should be doing it?

My blog started back in 2009 with some entries of stories that I made myself. Back then, I was so influenced by friends and emotions that I decided to make stories out from them and sharing them in a way that people would be able to relate. Some stories I wrote included love, friendship and even death. Nonetheless, writing for me is a special form of art. I will continue to write and will always be writing whatever the outcome may be. 

With the advent of technology and people's exposure to the internet, many things have changed. Such of these are as follow: books became eBooks, CDs became MP3 files and (yes), BLOGS became VLOGS.

It took me quite a time to finally decide on making a video of myself in my Youtube channel. At first, it was an outlet for me to upload picture shows of the things that I have encountered. I never gave the thought of being "in person" in the video a good deal because I never had the confidence to see myself on a screen, better yet the internet. But then, I got persuaded by a friend who has a Youtube channel and pushed me to starting my own Vlogs.

Vlogging has its ups and downs. Most of the things I considered were the downs which I will be getting from the viewers or from any random stranger in the internet. I have anticipated the bashing and the harsh words people will be saying on the videos that I would be making which in turn made me doubt of my capacity to make a good video. Sir Junie, a friend of mine said that these things won't matter if the videos I will be making would make a difference in a viewers life. This was the driving force behind the videos and each edit I made in my Youtube channel. The same force that backed me up when I started this Blog account. From the first story I made, I imagined the lives that would be touched, the tears that would fall and each smile that would be painted on my reader's face after they would spend some time reading my posts. 

It just saddens me that most of the people in the web give much consideration to elements that, I can say are not much of a value. 

First on the list: a vlogger should be rich and famous.

Why do people think this way? We can all make a difference with whatever we have and whatever we do. Things we say does not depend on the things and bank accounts that we have. For crying out loud, being famous won't make it even better. We all have ideas of our own and I guess these two won't be part of the things I should prioritize. I'm not rich and I'm not famous. All I know is, I am always looking forward for the lives that I would be touching through the things I am doing and will be doing in my Vlog. 

Second on the list: a vlogger should be gwapo/maganda.

Of course, seeing someone with a beautiful face and a charming smile would be so pleasant to the eyes. But if the person in front of the camera has nothing good to say, I would rather watch that person on print. Great things come in small and unusual packages. On top of that, the internet is a free domain. There might be rules that we need to follow but these rules don't include looking good. To end this, we all have the same insides which means all of us are the same. 

Third on the list: A vlogger should speak good.

Consider a good speaker who doesn't know what he is talking about and an average speaker who is very well informed of the things he is saying; which will you spare time to listen to? All we want to achieve is to be heard of. And this does not depend on how we say things. Censorship is very important in the world  of vlogging and we all understand these things. As a vlogger, we are responsible of the things we say and do in front of the camera. As a viewer, we are responsible on the things we view and listen to in the internet. 

These are the things that I need to vent out about vlogging. It is a very enjoyable art and it can touch lives the same way we share a smile in the streets. I guess that having these things on print just make me feel better. It also creates a good stir inside me that I just made another blog.  :) 

Hope you guys would SUBSCRIBE to my Youtube channel: 

http://www.youtube.com/user/donitohRN

And here is the very first Vlog entry I made for it. 

Hope you SUBSCRIBE! 

Peace y'all! 

some things for 2013

"We live in a culture that tells us what we are suppose to feel; do the things that we need to do and act the way on how we should react. This is not a right culture."

This would be my first blog this year. And YES it took me some time to write again. I don't know but somehow life has given me a lot of things to think about and do. Or maybe I guess, I was just preoccupied with things I wanted to see and know. To start of, the year feels great. No Chinese Zodiac intended but I feel that this year should be "gravy". I have made my bucket list of the top 5 things I want to do with my life this year 2013. To some it could be a raunchy list or like a tasteless list but this is what I think I can do and achieve this year. It's just a harmless list of somethings I think I want or need to do. Maybe my social network posts would prove to be evidences of the things I would be doing. (By the way, I have my SocialCam account already. SO don't forget to follow me! - https://socialcam.com/u/xEYwTHBR )

Here it goes.

I want to purchase something from a Luxury Brand. 

I don't know but this just popped in my head and I think I can so this. At the moment, I still don't have any idea of what it would be but i'm sure it would be something I can really use. About the price, it's gonna be expensive but I know I can manage this. Besides, it's gonna be mine anyway.  A bag would be nice; or a pair of shoes; of a good pair of jeans: or a beautiful watch would be nice. Whatever it is, I feel secured thinking about it. I mean, it would be an investment (for sure).

I want to get a tattoo.

Working abroad and living abroad, it feels that its my time to live free and let live. And this would include getting a tattoo. For the design, I'm still not sure but I'm planning to have an ambigram of some names that matter to me. I don't think inking some pictures on my skin would be such a good idea so I said to myself that letters and words would do great. On where it would be placed, I'm still not decided. I want to put it somewhere where people can see it. But then at the back of my mind, I want to surprise people that I have a tattoo when I remove some clothing (maybe around sexy time - HAHA).  

I want to scream like I was falling from the sky (seriously).

Do you happen to wake up at mornings that you feel like everything is gonna turn out the way your not hoping it would? Like everything is gonna be shit and crap all over? YES! That is the reason why I want to scream like I'm falling from the sky. And how on earth can I do this? Simple: sky dive or a roller coaster ride. From where I'm living, sky diving is such an easy booking to do. With just one call, I can make a reservation for myself. As for the roller coaster ride, I can go to Abu Dhabi and spend the whole day at Ferrari World. I can imagine myself being voiceless at the end of the day after doing stuff like this. But the point is, I still have to gather my shit up to face these fears. Let's just say that at this time, i still don't have the balls to do it. 

I want to make a difference this year.

We all have something we are passionate about in life. I guess this year, I really want to make a difference on something that I am passionate about: empowering people. Since before, I believe that I have backed-up and supported friends and family on things they want to do with their lives. I live in the mantra: We are tasked to take care of each other; if we can't do that, at least do hurt anyone. This year, I want to touch and empower more people as I can on a daily basis. I want to gain new friends, widen my connections and be a friend that a person would need. It may sound cliche' but I guess this is attainable and possible. I have started this and I think I'm doing a good job on it. Thanks to some friends who have helped me to do this specially, ZAG! ( alam nah!)

I want to be the captain of my ship.

For the past years, I have been riding the waves that brought me to places, conditions and situations that helped me to grow. This year I want to be the captain of my own ship. To be the one in charge of the journey; to be the one to decide, weigh things, quantify and qualify life's choices. I have been brought up to be independent and self-reliant. As I reach my 25 years of life this year, I want to take the wheel and be in control. I know that people would be there behind me to support me on this. I know I am loved and I love them the same way. With all the things I have in mind and with all the hope i have in my heart, things would just have to start rolling in. And this time, I will be ready to face them with now a stronger me and with God behind me. 

It's never too late to start living your life. But we have to take note that sometimes, we age with our shoulda,woulda,couldas. And I can't bare to live that life as I would grow old. I believe that we need to be reminded that life is how we make it, how we take it and how we share it. 

How will this year be for you? 

Have you decided on how you would direct your life this time?

@donitoh - Twitter, Instagram.

Troubled - Homesick - Blessed - Thankful - Loved

It has been a long time since I was able to make a post here. I didn't even think it was that long already. Well, I guess I became preoccupied with a lot of things. But the question is: with what?

I am a type of person that is always preoccupied. Even before, I always have a lot of things in my mind. I guess my personality would push to me think about many things all at the same time. I believe that I am a creative person and I guess this is one of the reasons why I always think about things. Back then, I would think about the weekend, the dance class and work. I also think about what to have for dinner, what to buy for myself, what to do with my friends and what to do the day after; to wake up early to have my morning walk, to bring a water bottle or not. I am mentally busy. I don't know if it is healthy but it made me busy yet satisfied.

This satisfaction I have makes me feel productive and happy. From all of the thinking, it makes me happy if all the things I thought of would be done either on time or in time. It really didn't matter to me if they were done soon or not as long as they were done the same way I thought about them.

When I came here, writing became my voice; social network became my eyes and ears. I have friends. They are only few but I trust them. You see, the thinking habit for me is still there but it became hard for me to sort things out in priority. Before, everything was in equal priority and nothing was stressful. Suddenly, everything became the opposite.

As a struggling young professional, life seems to be very pushy and complicated. To add to that, life overseas is a test on a daily basis. You would never say that each day is the same. What's ironic is, that life is following the same pattern. It's confusing (I know) but this is how I look at things at the moment. I am following the same pattern everyday but it's not the same. Such a paradox but this is life. We can never get away from it unless we end it.

I always think about my friends. Aside from my family who have been always there, my crazy friends are never out of the scene. Of course they have lives to live but amazingly, they never seem to forget me. I am very thankful for them and for all the prayers that people would say for me.

Social media has been a great help. They let me catch up with my friends, both old and new. I never thought that I would get so addicted to them but it seems to fill in the empty spaces I have inside. I laugh, smile, cry and feel the same way I feel with social media. It inspires me to be the new me every day; strong, positive, smiling, loved and blessed.

I have not been listening to myself lately and I guess now is the best time to do so. I am very blessed and I know that a lot more are on their way. I just need to focus and think about these blessings instead of thinking about what problems I will have to face. "Will have to face" is such an understatement but I am very conscious about it. (Crazy, right?) Now, I just need to focus and know that I am blessed.

I miss a lot of things. I miss a lot of faces and places. I miss the happy preoccupied me. Yet, it stirs me up to see the new things I have in life and the old but permanent ones. I am just homesick. I guess everybody is.

Looking back, I still have the same way of thinking. What I just need to focus on are the good things that are happening to me. I am very blessed and I should root from this.

My Prayer:

"Thank you Lord for all the blessings that you have given me. You have been very generous to me even though I whine and complain a lot.

 I am very thankful for the protection, guidance and encouragement you have blessed me through the people you bring into my life. Help me Lord, to focus on the things that would make me remember that I am blessed. Guide me to root from all the great things you have for me. Make me do wonderful things as you have for me. Lord, I am also asking for your protection in which I know you have done since before.

 Lastly, I apologize for the times that I forget your presence; that I take your blessings for granted. Let me be inspired to do what is right for my sake and for your glory. Forgive me for the times that I sin and give me strength to stay away from them.

Amen."