it's not about that

One of the hardest thing a friend can do is to listen. A simple thing to do but needs all sincerity and time. The down side, all the stories might be too much to handle and not everyone can handle it with grace and much restrain. Others just explode into emotions and do crazy stuff. There is nothing wrong with it; we are human. But the question is: Is it right to feel full and explode?!

Days after I decided to introduce my friends to each other, things became all soggy and cloudy. Moments with them became awkward and that I didn't understand. The plan was for them to spend time with each other. They jelled well and I was happy about it. But at some point they wanted more. They wanted to be intimate. 

They needed it and this was decided by adults; consenting adults. 

A week has passed and suddenly things have changed. I never felt stupid all my life with this decision which made me uneasy and sleepless. It's not about the intimacy. It's not about the awkwardness. It's about me making the decision to have the idea. It was selfish and stupid of me. Just for me to have friends I would do it. It is just stupid.  I have made crazy decisions in life but this was by far tops my list. 

I see the picture as a stained work of art. I made the work of art but I was the one who stained it.  

Alone (re-posted from my FB page)

“So, this is it then? I mean, there’s no turning back at this right? ”, he asked.

“Yes”, I answered.

“Well, it’s gonna be hard for the both of us but I will try my best to absorb it. Will you be all right?”

I nodded.

“I hope so.”

These were the words that ended our relationship. It wasn’t just me or him. It was decided by both. It was a decision that made me realize one thing: we were not anymore happy with each other. It was a relationship built on mutual decisions and I couldn’t believe that it ended the same way.

All relationships have bad times but I never thought that we would end it as painfully as this. No tears but just words during the break-up. I have seen sad endings in movies but I never imagined mine to be this tragic. Nobody died but it seemed to me that the end was like death to the both of us. It was the end. We were not together anymore.

I told him that I will be alright after the break-up. I tried my best but everything I thought about was what we had before. All the smiles, hugs, feeling of happiness and the kisses that sealed them all; they killed me like how each knife would pierce an apple. It was the pain that I never imagined to suffer at the end of all things. I cried but I never felt better with each tear that fell from my eyes. The sadness absorbed me as a whole and I was in mourning with what I lost: a relationship that I thought would last forever in the arms of each other.

As I wake up each morning, I would check my mobile phone. I would never say it but I would always hope that he would send me a message to check if I’m ok; if I was doing fine after what had happen. I would remember the days that my inbox would be filled by messages from him and how I would save them to make me smile as I read along the messages late at night.

I would anticipate each call would be from him to talk to me and convince me to reconsider the decision that I made about the break-up. How I reacted with each ring my mobile phone gives as the call goes on. The song that made me excited as the call progresses and how I would answer each call with a smile: a sweet smile that was real and true. It was from love and I couldn’t believe that all of these were gone with just one nod I made.

Nothing – this is what I see every morning as I check my mobile phone. It made me cry but not as painful as before. Each morning made me realize that the days of sweet smiles were gone. I was alone and the relationship was over. It was a decision made by the both of us.

I continue to live my life was what my friends would tell me. I partied, drank and went out. But as the noise and the crowd disappeared, the sadness consumes me secretly. I want to cry but I just can’t. My tears ran dry and I couldn’t cry anymore. It was something that I knew would just hurt me more. The pain I get from one nod was something I dreaded from the day I made the decision. It really was painful.

School was the same for me and I never heard from him again. Then I just got word that he was dating someone already. I didn’t give a reaction because it has been months that I haven’t heard news about him. I never imagined that the pain drilled into me secretly and I was collapsing from the inside. I wanted to scream but I never could. Each smile that I would imagine from him before was for another girl now. How the pain doubled, tripled even after what I have heard and imagined. I was in pain and nobody knew.

I pretended to be cool; to be ok; to act as if I have moved on from the relationship I was in before. Like what I said, I pretended. It was a huge stage play for me to pretend that everything was ok for me. That I smiled the sweet smile I gave before and laughed as if I was never hurt from everything that happened. I pretended until I realized that I was only fooling myself. I cried again in silence but I never felt better.

I wished that I could turn back time or he would bump his head and come look for me to be with him again. It was all I hoped for but didn’t come.

Now this is what I would say to myself,

“Never mind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too! Don’t forget me, this I would beg. But I’ll remember what you said that sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

Nothing (re-posted from my FB page)

It was the longest 10 minutes of my life when she left me. We argued about something when she packed up her bags and went off out of my apartment. I ran out of words when it all happen and I wasn’t able to do a thing about it. She left me after the argument and I was there silent in tears. I looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I stared at the man that made her cry. I was looking at the man who told her he loved her yet he made her cry. I felt numb inside and I wasn’t able to move to stop her. She left me because of me. And I was crazy enough not to do anything about it.

Was I right? Was letting her go the best thing I did in my life? They said that I will be alright without her; that I will be fine without her. I felt the people around me yet I didn’t feel great about the thought of being alone. There will be nights that I couldn’t sleep. The loneliness would make me think about the second hand ticking in the clock going in circles as the time change. It would make me focus on the commercials that pass as I watch television during weekends. The loneliness will create music in me that will only be heard by me. It will be crazy and unusual.

The time spent was treasured and was valued. But then again, they made me cry. The memories of being alone brought back the times that I was with her. It reminded me of the times when we would stare at the clock and wait for our eyes to turn red. The loser of course would wash the dishes. It made me recall the times that I wouldn’t notice anything about the television because all I looked at during the weekends was her and her craziness. We laugh about her games and childishness as we would have barbeques during Sundays. It made me smile as I remember to hear her song as she takes a shower. She wasn’t that good at that department but she would sing from her heart. Again, it was crazy and unusual. But it made me love her.