Is this the end?

Ive always dreamt to have someone who is proud of me; who understands why i am like this; a person that brings the best in me and accepts me at my worst. These dreams will always be on the list of characters of someone who i want to spend my life with. Getting married is optional but having a life- partner with this understanding of me is essential. 

Getting to know you has been quite a ride. And in the process, i got to know myself - hardcore. 

I never expected myself to be secretive, to be insanely jealous and paraniod. I have a hard time trusting and in this relationship - it has taught me to hold on to what my heart beats for. Thats you. 

It has made me sick when you don’t reply or answer my calls. It brings all the posibilities of you cheating in front of my eyes and i somehow - blurr out and throw up. Remember when i threw up for the whole day? It made me feel like im an escape. An option. Sleepless nights and kkendless denials resulted from these doubts. 

When we talked about how I felt, i mentioned to you that i know the “market” and can easily connect the dots. Some cues are blurry but somehow relate to each other. The picture may not be clear but the feelings were real. Im jealous. Im clueless. 

I dont know you entirely. And this breaks my heart because i make myself doubt if what i feel is right when it comes to you. 

You have people in your life that somehow i think i would never get to know. People who are on the other side of your life. People that make you smile; laugh and cry. I understand the secrets but i dont get the darkness. I can be invisible but not blind. I feel i am being blind folded in a small closed box.

Everyday is a battle of holding on or letting go. But still i choose to hold on to what makes me happy - and thats you. This battle will never end but just so you know, you are worth fighting for. 

My world is different from your world. But somehow it makes me feel bad knowing that I can’t enter your world. It makes me question my existence in your life - in your real life. Im being shun in the shadows of a world that doesn’t welcome me - world that you live in and it hurts as you have become my world. 

I can’t force myself to be part of that world that’s why it’s a constant battle. Im telling you this as you ought to know. This battle will end but the shots have been fired. Thank God we didn’t talk about this in the other Starbucks as i can imagine myself crying while telling you this. 

Im not letting go but im telling you the grip is getting painful. Most of the time, its not what you say that hurts me. Its what you do that tips me off. And the silence, empty stares, dull hugs and cold kisses pushes me away from the beautiful picture that we started to paint. 

Ghost

Dating has been a world for me that i never conquered. I have been rejected, rejected and rejected to a number that I cannot even remember counting to. Since 2010, I have never been in a relationship nor have dated someone that i could say that it could lead to something - but this doesn't mean that I do not see what happens in one. 

In my world, being in a relationship raises eyebrows. One can be judged and even be questioned for choices that you have to make. It will never be an easy world but I suppose that being in a strong partnership - things will be lighter than the usual. 

Understanding is key - not just to one self but of course - each other. This goes a long way but of course - has a limit. 

Not all things can be freed by understanding. Too much of it causes a stir; creates questions and probably will start a problem. 

In this world (and in this region of the world), being invisible about the relationship is a key element. One has to be stealth-like to carry a relationship being questioned by religion, morality and the norm. 

But - does being invisible to your significant other's world count?

  

Dubai Life as I Lived It - I remember

Remembering what everything was like.

Since coming to Dubai, I have never seen myself suffer in the changes, challenges and obstacles that one has to face on a daily basis. These things helped me grow mature and somehow “scarred” me.

Imagine moving to a place where everything is unsure and the only thing that is sure is the fact that everything is unsure. See how confusing it is? I am writing this in total recall yet everything for me was a “BLAH!”. But for the sake of having to tell my story on how I am doing in Dubai, I’m trying to flip open all possible dots that could somehow connect my life from the past to the present.

I remember trying to check the amount I will be sending back to the Philippines given that my salary was of a humble amount but is not given on time.

I remember trying to budget a bag of Spanish Bread for 3-4 days for my lunch at work. I would buy a box of instant coffee and store it in my drawer in the office. Consuming one stick a day and trying to smile above all these. Back then the Metro was the only mode of transport I get. I seldom get into taxis in the thinking that this will never let me survive.

I remember trying to extend my salary to more than a month since we don’t get it on the dot. It is always delayed and sometimes doesn’t come for more than 3 weeks to a month. I remember my officemates and I share 5 dirhams just to make sure one gets to the office so no one can get a deduction for the monthly salary that doesn’t come at the end of the month.

I remember going to work on a weekend – wasted to the level that I felt that throwing up in the bathroom was the agenda for that day. I drank the night before with a mind-set that I will never have a regular weekend off since my job doesn’t allow me too.

I remember walking in the cold winter breeze at 7 in the morning going to the train station then realizing that the breeze was too much. I didn’t take the taxi as I can’t afford it. And even if I can, it may be my last bill and have to wait for the next uncertain salary date.

I remember being asked in the mall “Do you want to buy something?” and inside I would rephrase the question to “Can I afford to buy something?”

I remember waking up to the sound of my alarm clock, going down from my bunk bed and realizing that tears have flown down my cheeks. Bewildered about the idea that I am working but not getting paid in a city that somehow can offer everything – including a good reflection about life – at a certain price. A humble amount that I not getting.

When I was new, I was taken away by the dream; the promise of life and the comfort to the sound of the phrase “Living the Dubai Life”. It was a ride that changed me.

Dubai Life as I Lived it - Years Before

Years before

I was not a diligent student while completing my education but somehow, I passed and I guess I was an “OK” student. I was lazy and somehow was always day-dreaming. But from all of these things – I never imagined myself working and living abroad. I have never even aspired to be an OFW as I think that the Philippines has the work atmosphere that I am very comfortable with.

After graduating college in March, I started working in a Call Center Company that sells an online medical coding reference in the USA. It was a challenge but was something that I was very interested in. I talk a lot so to me, it was like being me. Months passed and I got my Nursing License so I decided to practice it. I left my first job and went to train in a public hospital.

I trained for a few months as a nurse but never had the chance to be employed in the said hospital. Although I know I would make the cut, somehow the chance (and I mean connections to be closer to landing a job) never got to me. So, I moved on.

Again, I worked in another Call Center Company. This time it was customer service for an Australian market. It was very fun and interesting but somehow the luster of it faded into the pressure of getting a good evaluation from people who never get satisfied of what service was given.

This time I worked as a nurse in a Public Health Unit under the local government. It was one hell of a challenge for someone who was thrown into the practice where everything is made-up. It wasn’t the same as the hospital; everything was “just that”. Good thing the team was a set of amazing people.

After a few months of working, I got the call. “You’re flying in 2 weeks.”

The simple statement that changed my life echoed in me until the night of my flight. My friends were taken by surprise as I didn’t share about it nor thought about it being too soon. It was one whirlwind preparation that I have to say goodbye, get all my shit ready and do the final resting all in 2 weeks. I mean, someone who will face court has days to prepare and the hearings will be more than just a day – mine was quite shorter.

On the morn of my flight, I woke awfully early. I guess I couldn’t sleep since I would be flying to a country where I don’t have any knowledge about. I do not have any other information about it aside from what UAE means. A definite 1% knowledge on a country where I would be working, living and perhaps spend a few years of my life in – smells like something interesting would be happening.

Dubai Life as I Lived it - Chapter 1

Flying out – First time

I have never ridden a plane nor thought of riding one knowing that this is not for leisure but an adventure that would most likely be permanent.

Thinking about the process made my stomach quiver as I don’t have any idea on how, what, where and so on. All I know was that my mom knows this; my sister had tried this and I have got to calm down.

My flight was 11:55 AM where I would have to “change planes” in Hong Kong International Airport then to Dubai International Airport. I prepared myself by researching on how the airport looks like as I would be moving from one gate to another. To my surprise – HK’s airport was not called an International Airport for nothing. I am now fucked up. It was wide, confusing and more to my surprise – only a 45-minute allowance before my plane to Dubai would fly out.

I panicked but of course, I didn’t show it- why would I? If things will not fall into place, then I would just ring the “HELP” bell (if there is such a thing) and probably get to the nearest Information Counter and ask “How do I get to Mactan International Airport fast?” Saving myself some face by eloquently asking information pretending that I was just that lost.

Oh, wait -  this is my first time riding a plane. HK Airport shouldn’t be my first concern. I am terrified of heights and this should be my priority. Would I make it through the whole flight without freaking out in the thought that anytime, the plane might go down to its terrible demise bringing me to my death? I mean, I know that it’s not just me but still – FLYING + HEIGHTS + ALONE. What did I ever do to have this fate?

As you see – I am freaking out.  And note that I am not yet in the airport while I am thinking about this. Yet, the plans are still final and there is no turning back.

I mean, I could cancel but how would I say it? “I’m sorry but I can’t do it. I’m scared of flying. That’s it.” This would totally be the ultimate gag of the decade.

“To the airport please” I told the taxi driver as I close the car door after my final goodbye to my relatives. My mom and younger sister was with me in the taxi -  bringing a silent sigh of support as the last hours of being together ticked slowly.

Things slowly flashbacked as the taxi speed through the South Super Highway. I thought about my family, friends, relatives, work-mates, the things that I love and myself. What would make of me in doing this at this age? Is it a good plan? Is it worth it? Is this right?

Questions popped up and out from here and there but answers were not available. Unlike in the game shows where there are “Help Lines”, this is a gamble that would either be a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down (or maybe even a hit in the gut).

Then I realized- I am not a gambler. So, this is by far the most extreme life choice I have made.

One final bridge to cross then it’s the airport. My heart increased its rate, I began to sweat and my thoughts were all over the place. I don’t know if I was quiet or was chatty. What I was sure of was that everything was a blur. It’s like when you get much of what Vodka can offer plus the taste of bitter beer in your tongue but the morning after. The blur was like that (well, not technically).

When we got to our stop, some of my relatives were there. Wanting to say their goodbye and to wish me good luck. This was like a scene from a telenovela. Families flocked to the airport to say goodbye and probably see the last of what their loved one would become after working abroad.

I went to the men’s room to wash myself and to be honest, planned to hide the tears that were staring to form in my eyes. The hours slowly ticking as I would be needed to check-in. I was wishing that somehow fate would make me stay and everything would be rethought. Like a scene in the movie where everything stops, rewinds and gets redone in another way. A remix in music; a revival in theatre; an overhaul in cars (you know what I mean).

Then the moment of truth came – I needed to check in. It was a definite punch-in-the-gut moment where all things were slow but fast. I hugged everyone, kissed who I needed to kiss and of course, took deep breathes as my eyes began to water.

It was a “I don’t want to do this but I have to since it’s here” kind of moment. Something I do not want to be in and probably be in again unconsciously in the future. Trust me, we all have this kind of moment where there is no choice but to step forward and suck it all in.

I took my luggage, slowly climbed up the ramp and got in line to get my things checked. Remembering it give me chills and to be honest – got my eyes watery – but just a bit (Yes! I have the same feelings even if it was done a long time ago).

(And yes, I have feelings!)

I don’t remember looking back. I don’t remember waving back at them as my eyes were starting to fail me. I started to well up and soon enough, would break out into an ultimate dramatic scene that would definitely deserve an acting award. The feelings were that intense and I remember vividly, my heart was pounding like I drank 4 cans of Red Bull.

After passing through security check, I didn’t look back as my breathing increased and my heart started to go fast. I can feel my eye began to water and slowly my sight became cloudy. I had to keep it together because I don’t have anyone behind the walls unto the waiting area then the gates. Everything was fast – and I mean everything.